MOVIES: THE WORLD’S DUMBEST BUSINESS MODEL
So let’s get this straight. If you want to legally see a film at any point within the first four months of its release, you have to leave your house, go to what is effectively a ‘movie warehouse’ and pay £10 to see the film at a set time, regardless of how inconvenient that is. You also have to sit with 200 strangers and if you want a snack or drink you have to pay a price that makes you cry. And you can’t pause the film if you need to use the loo. Or rewind it if you miss a crucial detail. And if you decide that you enjoyed the movie and want to see it again you have to leave your house, pay more money and do it all again.
Man, that is dumb.
But wait, it gets dumber.
The movie itself is a digital product. It’s infinitely copyable and is already being distributed in uncontrollable numbers online, globally, for free. You can see the movie at whatever time you like, sat on the couch with your family in the comfort of your own home, eating the snacks you’ve already bought and can pause, rewind and replay it at any time. But there’s a catch – if you do that you’re a criminal.
Movie studios want to actively pursue you and have you fined, or take your internet away, if you attempt to watch the film in the comfort of your own home at any point within the first four months.
That’s fine I suppose, the movie studios are the originators of the content, so they have the power over how and when they sell their product. That’s how it works with all products, from a toy to a pie to a garden shed – the seller sets the price and the terms.
Oh wait, it’s NOTHING like a toy or a pie or a garden shed, because those are physical products. You can’t have them unless the seller agrees to give them to you. We’re talking about movies – digital products – that, like books and music, are infinitely copyable and can be distributed globally at the touch of a button without anyone’s permission.
So the goal posts have moved. When someone can get something for free, the seller can no longer dictate the terms. The power is in the hands of the consumer.
In this situation (the real world) the rights holder is left with one option – give people access to the content on as many platforms as possible and allow them to pay for it. Most people don’t want to be criminals. Most people recognise that it probably cost a bit of money to make a movie or a song or a book, and want to donate money to the creator, allowing them to make more of the movies or songs or books that they love.
But the movie industry chooses not to embrace this.
The movie industry puts its fingers in its ears and says ‘La-la-laaaa!’ when you try and GIVE IT MONEY so that you can watch the film at home with your family. It allows you no legal option of watching the film other than to sit in a place you may not want to be, at a time you may not like, with strangers you may not want to be with. So instead of generating revenue from what is possibly the largest untapped market in any industry in the world, it turns all other viewing options into a criminal act. That doesn’t stop it happening, it just stops the industry making any money from it.
And that’s why movies have the world’s dumbest business model.
COMMUTER MINUTE THEORY
I’m not a mathematical man. Isaac Newton would despair if he saw me trying to do a sudoku. However, my brain has given birth to one logic-based theory… Commuter Minute Theory.
CMT is a theory about how long it takes to complete a city journey,
not in actual minutes, but in perceived minutes.
For example, I hate getting the bus. It stops at traffic lights and it’s often full of annoying people. With chicken. BUT the glorious marvel that is the tube whizzes through the tunnel at what feels like lightening speed. So for me a bus minute feels longer than a tube minute.
My business partner Garret doesn’t mind the bus. He’s got a phone signal, he has time to read and he can see the city. So for him a bus minute doesn’t feel as long as it does to me.
My other business partner Jack is a cyclist, so he hates the tube and the bus. Jack would rather spend twice as long getting somewhere by bike than spend half the time on the tube. So for him a bike minute feels like half the time of everything else.
I realised it’s all about perception. SO I MADE AN EQUATION. A really simple one…
Length of Journey (in mins) x Minute Type = Commuter Minute Total
For me, these are my minutes:
Tube minute = 0.5min (When the tube works it feels quick.)
Walking minute when early = 0.5min (La-de-daaa! Time well spent.)
Bike minute = 1min (I use a Boris bike. It’s… not bad.)
Train minute = 1.5min (Nice view, but feels slower than the tube)
Bus minute = 2min (Yawn. Another traffic light? Bore off.)
Walking minute when late = 3min (Why are my feet so SLOW!?)
So in ‘reality’ (the reality in my head – the only reality that matters) a tricky choice between a 15min walk or a 10min bus ride is easy when you do the maths. In Commuter Minutes the walk takes 7.5min and the bus is 20min. Easy decision – get walking.
Do give it a try, it never fails. And all you city-dwellers out there, let me know… how long are your Commuter Minutes?
Now if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got a sudoku from 1998 to finish…
(London bus picture designed buy Quentin Newark and can be purchased as a poster here.)
I MADE A BAG
You can get these bad boys on ebay and etsy…
They’re 100% cotton bags with a Dot Cotton pun on the front. Priceless.
They make a cracking little stocking filler for Christmas and are way cooler than anything you’ve ever seen with your eyes.
If you’re thinking of making a bag I’d recommend Canby Bags, as they’re really helpful and make good quality products. You have to make a vector graphic, but don’t let that put you off. A bit of googling will get you through.
But seriously, get clicking… I need to shift these things.
THE ONLY WAY IS CHELSEX
Confession time!
I love The Only Way is Essex. I love Made In Chelsea. I cringe throughout both, but it is fun to see overly-priviledged people get stressed about their self-made problems.
Both shows are back on air for new series so I decided to mash them up with some voice-swapping. What would happen if Joey Essex sounded like a cad and the posh types sounded like them people from that county wot’s in the south of Ingland where they drive them white cars and that and go to restaurants and, like, eat and have rows and that and stuff, d’you know what I mean babes…?
It’s already been shared over 500 times, including by Made In Chelsea’s Francis Boulle. The view count is up to 2,400 on day one so I’m hoping this one’s going to grow…
TELEGRAPH HILL
I’ve teamed up with some very talented people to start a new company called Telegraph Hill.
We’re working on Hollyoaks, The Fades and The London Pleasure Gardens. KAPOW! Not a bad start, huh?
Much more to come, will update again soon…
GLASTONBARRY
In June I went to the world-famous Glastonbury festival and made this film out of photographs. It was shot and edited on site within 24 hours before the festival began…
We were there working on several film projects for Shangri-La, part of the the late night area of the festival. This meant six days of the best filmmaking fun of my life but also six muddy days without a shower.
It’s fair to say we all smelled…OF AWESOME.
JENNIFER ANISTON’S DEAD DOG
I just read that Jennifer Aniston’s 15 year old dog ‘Norman’ has died. Let’s think about how I know this.
First, the dog died. A personal moment of sadness. Then a Hollywood PR person, whose entire job involves making us care about Jennifer Aniston, wrote a press release about the dead dog and sent it to websites and newspapers in order to use the dog’s death to get Jennifer Anniston more exposure. On receiving the self-publicising dead dog press release the reporter said ‘a dead dog, THAT’S A STORY’ and took time out of her day to write a dead dog article and create an accompanying picture gallery of ‘Stars and their Furry Friends’, complete with over one hundred photos. Then, using a complex network of computers, satellites and global technology she published the dead dog story to millions of homes, offices and mobile phones around the world, where it began receiving comments discussing Jennifer Aniston and her dead dog. Soon it became morning here in the UK, and I (totally unaware of the dead dog) turned on my computer to find out what had happened in the world while I was asleep. At this point the dead dog story, which originated in Jennifer Aniston’s house in the west coast of the USA, was beamed using a high-tech network of fibre optic cables into my house in South London where, without even having to get out of bed, I am told about the dog. Who is dead. Who belonged to a woman I’ve never met.
Now I’m not saying there could have been a better use of this global news network but a billion people don’t have access to clean water. Just saying.
BARBERSHOPERA – I COULD HAVE MARRIED KATE
Here’s a solid, undeniable fact… people do not express themselves using barbershop often enough.
I actually used to despair in that fact, until I met Barbershopera. These guys are talented. Like, really talented. If I was in charge of Radio 4, 5 Live… actually any radio station where people could speak, I’d get these guys on. Thanks to producer Ben Walker (who co-produced our Doc Brown comedy vids) we collaborated and made a spoof music video in time for the royal wedding. It’s called I Could Have Married Kate and features four dejected people and one horse who thought they had a shot with Kate Middleton… but in the end it just didn’t work out.
The video was featured in The Sun, ICanHasCheezburger CBC Canada, WhatsOnStage, Chortle UK, Chortle Australia, Comedy.co.uk, CurrentTV, Euronews, AsiaOne, Kontraband, Prankies, The Poke, 3 News New Zealand, Stuff New Zealand, KateMiddleton.com, local news in Bolton, Derbyshire, Birmingham, Amersham and Brockley and was played on Australian breakfast TV where they showed the bit with Prince William with a cock and balls on his head LOLZ.
It was a great project, we turned it around really quickly and I can’t wait to do more music video and comedy projects now I’m freelancing full time. The whole thing fell together easily and I’m really proud of what we’ve created.
If you know anyone who needs a director… call me.
TWEETING THE ROYALS
This week I began producing a new online campaign forAlison Jackson, the artist who first became famous in 1999 for creating voyeuristic photos using celebrity lookalikes. She went on to win a BAFTA for her mock-documentary show Doubletake in 2002 and is now promoting a new book and website around William and Kate’s marriage. Alison’s brilliant new work uses her trademark style of stealthily-shot paparazzi photos combined with her unique and shocking sense of humour to give the public an insight into the private side of the royal wedding.
Using Twitter we’re going to amplify this work with a new campaign, bringing the personalities of the celebs to life and allowing a global audience to interact with Wills, Kate, Harry, The Queen, Charles & Camilla, Carole Middleton, Posh & Becks, and The Archbishop of Canterbury. It’s a crucial time for the royals and their friends, and bringing eight characters to life allows users to follow a whole family who had, until now, been untouchable.
Throughout the coming weeks our royal wedding party will react to scandalous celeb stories released on Alison’s Daily Mail-inspired website, including the Queen at the bookies, Simon Cowell getting an ‘intimate’ wax and Charlie Sheen’s viagra-assisted night of passion. As they do so our royals will be cracking jokes, bickering, LOLing and a whole host of other shockingly common behaviour.
It’s modern, it’s interactive and its going to be a lot of fun so make sure you follow the key players…
CHARLES & CAMILLA
@Charmilla_Uncut
CAROLE MIDDLETON
@KatesMum_Uncut
THE ARCHBISHOP OF CANTERBURY
@Bishop_Uncut
DAVID & VICTORIA BECKHAM
@PoshBecks_Uncut
This project is being run through the new company I’m co-creating (more on that in due course) and the tweets are written by myself and the very funny David Levin.
